Shittizents and Pissezents,

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Today marks a proud new chapter in our nation’s history — a day when we finally take accountability for what truly matters: how, where, and alongside whom we relieve ourselves.

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For centuries, this great nation has survived on tea, denial and passive-aggressive queueing. Yet our toilets remained a battlefield of identity, ideology, and splashback. Enough is enough. The National Bathroom Allocation System restores order, bringing structure to chaos and queues to the people who love them most.

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We are not just flushing away division. We are flushing with purpose.

Some call this policy unnecessary. Others call it absurd.
We call it innovation — bureaucratic, overpriced, and slightly damp.

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Our aim is simple: one nation, two toilet groups, zero confusion.

Group 1. Group 2. Equality in excretion.

Whether you sit, stand, hover or panic halfway through — this government sees you, regulates you and thanks you for your £27.

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We are a nation built on queues, denial and half-flushed accountability.

Some say the system is flawed. We say it’s not.

Let us hold our heads high, clench our resolve and carry this great reform forward — together, one cubicle at a time.

 

The Right Honourable Anna Moss

Minister of Toilet Affairs

#HoldItTogether2025